youfail as a woman I fail as a feminist. Willingly accepting the feminist label would not be fair to good feminists. If I'm really a feminist, then I'm pretty bad. I am a mess of contradictions.
There are many ways in which I am wrong about feminism, at least in terms of how my perception of feminism has been skewed because I am a woman.
I want to be independent, but I also want to be taken care of and have someone to come home to. I have a job that I'm very good at. I am responsible for things. I'm on committees. People respect me and follow my advice. I want to be strong and professional, but it bothers me how hard I have to work to be taken seriously for a fraction of what I would get in return. Sometimes I feel an uncontrollable urge to cry at work, so I close the office door and lose control.
I want to be responsible, respected and in control, but I want to give myself completely in certain aspects of my life. Who wants to grow?
When I drive to work, I hear brutal rap at very high volume, even though the lyrics are misogynistic and deeply insulting. the classicLied von Ying Yang Twins Salt Shaker? It is wonderful. "Bitch, you have to shake her until your camel starts to hurt." Poetry. (I'm ashamed of my musical choices). I care what people think.
Pink is my favorite color. I used to say my favorite color is black to look cool, but it's pink, all shades of pink. If I have an accessory, it's probably pink. I read Vogue and, ironically, I don't. I live-tweeted the September issue once.
I love dresses, for years I pretended to hate her, but I don't. Maxi dresses are one of the most beautiful garments that have become fashionable in recent times. I have opinions about maxi dresses! I shave my legs! This, in turn, offends me. When I'm dealing with unrealistic ideals of female beauty, I shouldn't have a secret predilection for fashion and smooth calves, right?
I don't understand anything about cars. When I take my car to the mechanic they speak a foreign language. I still call my dad when I have questions about cars and I'm not very interested in changing my car-related ignorance.
Despite what people think of my writing, I really like men. They are interesting to me and I wish they treated women better so I don't have to call them as often. And yet I endure foolishness from unsuitable men, though I know better and can do better. I love excessive diamonds and weddings. I consider certain housework to be gendered mostly in my favor because I don't do housework: lawn maintenance, bug removal, and garbage removal, for example, poor workmanship.
Sometimes, frankly, a lot, I totally fake "it" because it's easier. I'm a fan of orgasms, but they take time, and in many cases, I don't want to waste that time. I often don't like the guy enough to explain the calculus of my desire. Then I feel guilty because the fellowship would not approve. I'm not even sure what sisterhood is, but the idea of sisterhood silently threatens me and reminds me of what a bad feminist I am.
I love babies and I want one. I am willing to make some compromises (not sacrifices) to achieve this, namely maternity leave and less work so I can spend more time with my son, write less to be more present in my life. I worry about dying alone, single and childless because I spent so much time pursuing my career and earning degrees. That kind of thinking keeps me up at night, but I claim not to, because I should be evolved. My success as it is should be enough if I am to be a good feminist. It is not enough. It's not even close. Because I have so many deep opinions about gender equality, I feel a lot of pressure to live up to certain ideals. I should be a good feminist who has it all, does it all. But really, I'm a woman in her 30s struggling to accept myself and accept my credibility. For a long time I told myself that I am not that woman, fully human and imperfect. I've been working really hard to be anything but that woman, and it's been exhausting and unsustainable, and even harder than just accepting who I am.
I may be a bad feminist, but I am deeply committed to the issues that matter to the feminist movement. I have strong views on misogyny, institutional sexism that constantly harms women, unequal pay, the cult of beauty and thinness, repeated attacks on reproductive freedom, violence against women, etc. I am as committed to fighting fiercely for equality as I am to shattering the notion that there is such a thing as essential feminism.
At some point it crossed my mind that a feminist is a certain type of woman. I believed grossly inaccurate myths about who feminists are: militant, perfect in politics and person, misanthropic, humorless. I subscribe to these myths, although I know them better intellectually. I'm not proud of it. I no longer want to believe these myths.
Bad feminism seems to be the only way for me to see myself as a feminist and be myself, so I write.I'm checking twitterabout everything that makes me angry and all the little things that bring me joy. I write blog posts about the meals I cook while trying to take better care of myself, and with each new post I tear myself apart after years of allowing myself to remain damaged. The more I write, the more I sound like a bad feminist, but I hope to be a good woman: I'm open about who I am and who I've been, where I've failed, and who I want to become. No matter what issues I have with feminism, I am a feminist. I cannot and will not deny the importance and absolute necessity of feminism. Like most people, I'm full of contradictions, but I also don't want to be treated like crap for being a woman. I'm a bad feminist. I'd rather be a bad feminist than not be a feminist at all.
how to be friends with another woman
1Dispel the cultural myth that all female friendships must be catty, toxic, or competitive. This myth is like high heels and a bag: beautiful, but made for itiswomen below.
1aThat's not to say that women aren't bitchy, toxic, or competitive sometimes, just that those aren't characteristics of female friendship, especially as you get older.
1bIf you're feeling catty, toxic, or competitive with women who should be your closest friends, find out why and how you can fix it, and/or find someone who can help you fix it.
2A lot of ink is spent mythologizing female friendships as curious, fragile and always very tense. Stop reading texts that promote this mythology.
3If you're the type of woman who says, "Most of the time, I'm friends with boys" and acts like you're proud of it, that makes you closer to a man or something and less to a woman than if you it was a man. . being a woman is a bad thing, see point 1b. It's OK if most of your friends are men, but if you take this as a comment on the nature of female friendships, well, well, do a little soul-searching.
3aIf you find it difficult to be friends with women, remember that women may not be the problem. maybe it's just you
3bI used to be such a woman. sorry to judge
4Sometimes your friends go out with people you can't stand. You can be honest about your feelings, or you can lie. There are good reasons for both. Sometimes you will be the one who dates someone your friends can't stand. If your husband or wife is an asshole, just accept it so you and your friends can talk about more interesting things. My most common explanation is, "I'm dating an idiot because I'm lazy."
5You only want the best for your friends, because when your friends are happy and successful, it's probably easier for you to be happy.
5aIf you're going through a tough time and a friend is having the best year of their life and you must be having some dark thoughts about it, do this alone, with your therapist, or in your journal so that you really do when you see your friend. , you can avoid the myth discussed in point 1.
5bIf you and your friends are in the same field and can work together or help each other out, then do so without shame. It's not your fault your friends are cool. Men invented nepotism and practically live on it. It's okay for women to do that too.
5cDon't destroy other women because even if they're not your girlfriends, they're women and that's just as important. That's not to say you can't criticize other women, but understand the difference between constructive criticism and cruel criticism.
5dEveryone gossips, so if you're going to gossip about your friends, at least make it fun and interesting. Never say "I never lie" or "I never gossip" because you are lying.
5eLove your friends' children, even if you don't want or like children. Do it.
6Tell your friends the hard truths they need to hear. They might get mad about it, but it's probably for their own good. My best friend once told me to get my love life on track and demanded a plan of action, and that was annoying but helpful.
6aDon't be downright rude when it comes to telling the truth, and consider how much truth is needed to get the job done. Delicacy goes a long way.
6bThese conversations are more fun when preceded by an emphatic "GIRL...".
7Surround yourself with women you can mindlessly get drunk with, who won't draw silly things on your face when you pass out, who will help you throw up if you party too hard, and who will also tell you when you get too drunk. You are very or misbehave when you are drunk.
8Don't flirt, have sex, or get involved in emotional affairs with your friends' significant others. It goes without saying, but it has to be said. That significant other is a jerk and you don't want to be with a jerk who used assets. If you want to be with an asshole, get yourself a new one. They are plentiful.
9Don't let your friends buy you ugly clothes or accessories that you don't want to see when you're together. This is just common sense.
10If something's wrong and you need to talk to your friends and ask them how they're doing, don't say "I'm fine". They know you're lying and it pisses them off and a lot of time is wasted going back and forth with "Are you sure?" what if?" and really? and I'm fine.” Tell your friends the truth so you can talk about it and sulk out of camaraderie or move on to other topics.
11If four people eat, split the bill equally between four people. Now we are adults. We no longer need to add up what each one had. If you're aiming high, treat everyone and rotate who you're treating. If you are still in the bankruptcy stage, do what you have to do.
12When a friend sends you a crazy email needing reassurance about love, life, family, or work, respond in an appropriate and timely manner, even if it's simply, "Girl, I get you." I confirm you for the same shit, be patient because one day you will break gmail with your drama.
13My mother's favorite saying is: "Qui se ressemble s'assemble". Every time she didn't approve of who she was dating, she said it ominously. Essentially, it means you are who you surround yourself with.